get me the hell out of here

It’s been 3 years and 6 months…

It’s weird, I feel like I’m not going back to California.

I’ve never been to San Francisco, and I know it’ll be different…I hope it has that same calming effect the Central Coast has on me. I’m worried it won’t. I’m worried Niko will make this more about him leaving than us enjoying oursleves…but that’s natural, right? I want to enjoy the city with him as if we had never been, as if he had no intentions of ever being there again. Like a vacation should be. I know I ask the impossible, but somewhere I have hope that he’s smart enough to separate the sad details of his departure/excitement of starting anew – from the bliss of a vacation with his boy. Gar. ‘Nothing is ever easy‘ should be my new motto.

I got some 1on1 face time with my Thomas tonight, and I am just constantly reminded of what amazing friends are. Thomas breaks every rule on friendship but at the same time costs no emotional tax. He’s amazing. Period. I hope he knows what a crucial element he is to my stability and success…I think sometimes I give him less credit than he deserves. Though I know he knows that I would move mountains for him, anytime, anywhere.

I leave Boston with open ears and an open heart. The biggest challenge for me will be realisitically sizing up another transcontinental move next spring without the help of my family. I know I want to be in the west, and at the moment I know I want to be with Niko for a long time (assuming he puts his walls down.) So I have to seriously assess my destination and lay the foundation for plans next year and work hard towards them. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being left behind and not being competent enough to do something like that on my own…I suppose that’s natural. It’s all dependent upon how this trip goes.

We’ll see.

I wish someone else could be take the wheel for a while, I’m getting tired.