at least I know I’m progressing, it’s just going to be bad for all of you for a while.
I haven’t acted like I did this weekend since…the Fireside. Just constant, non-discriminate belligerence. It kind of felt good, like screaming in to a pil
low (which never worked for me) instead I was screaming at my friends and whoever else crossed my path. I’m really not sorry either – shocked maybe – but I had been holding things inside for the longest time while I tried to find a happy balance of old and new Sean. I won’t feel bad for having a slip up, especially when it was warranted (sort of). Anyway, it’s passed I feel…hopefully I can move along without any more incidents. We’ll see.
In other news, I’m kind of looking forward to getting back to school. I just want it to be done with so badly that I’m excited to be getting back in the game and wrapping this shit up. I’m grateful for the little break I had over March/April, I got a lot of time to relax and with the death of Nani I probably would have dropped my spring classes anyway…so it all kind of worked itself out. I miss her so much, I still kind of can’t believe it? I have all of her pictures on the floor of my bedroom, and the blankets I gave her for christmas that I took when I cleaned out her room…
I suppose it will be a while.
I’m so lucky to have support from everyone. All of my friends have been there in one way or another over the past 2 weeks. Love you folks.
Ugh, my iced coffee is diluted.
<3
Filed under: Uncategorized
I hate loving you so much. I hate being vulnerable and having you take advantage…like some deranged revenge.
Why can’t you just take things for what they are? Why can’t you see the profoundness of what we’ve found, what was four years in the making on both sides.
I wish you could treat me like you want to treat me, without stipulation or defense or fear.
This is our foundation, our beginning – it’s meant to be cherished…not thrown away.
Don’t throw this away.
Someone, anyone:
So I can upload more crazy shots like these:
I’m doing fine as far as everything else is concerned. It will take a while, but time heals.
xo
Filed under: Uncategorized
Louise (Bailow) O’Donnell
Of Brighton, April 19, 2007. Beloved wife of the late William J. Devoted mother of Brian M. & his wife Nancy of Kennebunk, ME, Patrice L. Higgins & her husband Philip of Scituate, Richard P. and Nancy M., both of Brighton and the late William J., Jr., Robert J., & James D. Loving daughter of the late Anne & Joseph Bailow. Sister of Louis D. Bailow & his wife Theresa of Norwell and the late Marion Holman, Adele Lang, Anne King, Joseph & Robert Bailow. Loving grandmother of William, Jill, Philip, Sean and the late Robert, Jr. Great grandmother of Teresa, Kaila and Patrick. Also survived by many loving nieces and nephews. Funeral from the Lehman & Reen Funeral Home, 63 Chestnut Hill Ave. (Nr. Brighton Courthouse), BRIGHTON, Monday at 8 am. Funeral Mass in St. Columbkille Church at 9 am. Relatives and friends are kindly invited to attend. Visiting hours Sunday 3-7 PM. Late council member of Elder Affairs City of Boston. Funeral Home handicapped accessible. For directions & guestbook visit www.lehmanreen.com Lehman & Reen Funeral Home Brighton617-782-1000
She was the most important person in the world to me.
I’ll miss her so much.
Filed under: buy me this
Out of ideas for what to get Seano for his 22nd?!?!?
I HAVE JUST THE THING FOR YOU!
INTRODUCING:
or you could just steal one from a bar for me.
xo
…left of being 21. I’m kind of sad about it, 21 was such a great time.
It had a few downs (some big) but mostly ups. I changed a lot this year, became a newer version of myself I’m confident with. I Made a gaggle of new friends, went camping and enjoyed it! (personal breakthrough), got to go back west and see old friends, re-connected with my father, enjoyed a promotion, came to terms with an emotion for someone I had blocked out since the beginning, and set a tentative course for what I want to do in the next 2 years.
It’s been a good year for me. I hate to see it go.
Twenty-Two is going to bring a lot of radical changes I don’t know I’m quite ready for. I found out earlier this week that Tevvy Laufer, my roommate and domestic support structure, is going home for good on May 31st. She is only 1 out of a handful of people I hold close to my heart I’ll have to wave goodbye to in the coming months. Goodbye’s are always the hardest things I deal with, I don’t know why…something to do with the finality of it all I suppose. I always cry when shows have series finale’s – even if I never followed it. Most recently was when I watched the last 9 minutes of Six Feet Under (had never seen an episode before.)
I’ll be alright, I still have a summer and when that’s over I should be filling my days with thoughts of graduation and striking west.
5 Days…
I hope this weekend goes well, I’m just going to do what I want and hope everyone has a good time. I’m secretly hoping Niko will do something cute, but…I’m also not expecting anything. My only requirement for this weekend is angel food cake with chocolate frosting, of which I can obtain by myself.
PS: Go see GRINDHOUSE, bring liqour and cigarettes.
xo
I took today off, and it worked out beautifully – it was a rainy day.
I still got up early and took my grandmother to an eye appointment downtown. Unfortunately she’s going to need her second surgery to drain the bleeding caused by her diabetes…I’m still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I’m confident in the ability of the surgeon but obviously this problem speaks to a bigger problem that cannot be fixed – but I’ll do anything I can to keep her as long as I can.
The weekend was the second pleasant one I’ve had since I got back from SF so I have nothing whoreanus to report…aside my general unease with the whole Niko situation. So sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick. I just want to feel special to him, I don’t care in what form it comes in, but fuck I’m human and I need the boy I love to show me he loves me back. I know he’s trying mentally, but without any kind of tangible recognition how am I supposed to know? It’s just so frustrating and it always comes out in drunken gripe-fests that I hate myself for but I just don’t know how else to appeal to him…I just worry that over time this whole situation is going to prove counter-productive. I can feel myself building up excuses to why he isn’t, and excuses bare resentment, and resentment – well we’ve come full circle and I don’t want that to happen. I love him too much.
Otherwise I continue to try and right the ship financially…I’m really close to perfecting the weeks budget and I know I’ll get there. It seems silly at 21 I should be struggling with something like this but whatever, I was never taught fiscal responsibility. I’ll get there, I’m close.
The coming months will be hectic and over the top. Between now and July there’s a list of events that I have to look forward to including birthdays, thomas’ homecoming + 21st bday, beach trips, visiting friends and a fucking raise! So, however bogged down by love’s trials and impending life changes on the horizon – I have plenty of things to keep me on the up and up.
For now, cheap wine and Saves The Day are ultimate therapy.
xo
