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Fuck.
I miss her most when I’m in situations like this, when I feel overwhelmed or depleted.
She was like my well of sanity, comfort and support. One hour with her a week was all I needed to feel recharged and ready to take on the bad stuff. I’m starting to see the way it’s going to be without her just now…like I’ve run out of reserves. For such a long time I gave myself all this credit for being strong and having all these complicated methods of dealing with sadness, grief and anger.
I guess I’m finding out now that all I had was a dependency on someone who had all of that figured out, typical of me to dilute myself I suppose…
The grief maintains it’s subtly…I’m not some raging mess…it comes at moments now and then, I find healthy times to cry and others to just reflect.
I spent time with Rich today after his f/u appointments at the Brigham. I noticed how dry and to the point our conversations have become now that we’re so far removed from 34 Larch. I’m glad he’s proud of me and doesn’t have to worry about the choices I’m making – I can’t stress how happy that makes me. Though it’s sad, not to see the same life in his eyes when he had stability…and a friend in me who he could yap to for hours after coming home from work or being out. Is this part of growing up? Not one I would have anticipated with Uncle Rich, he’s got too much to say.
I guess the lettering is on the grave now – but I’m not that far. The problem with our family cemetery is if you visit one, you have to visit them all. I just don’t have the strength to have my first conversation with the most tragic group of losses I’ve had to endure yet…and you can’t hug a tombstone.
Maybe after all I’m not as strong as I thought, maybe I had the proper support in the ones who dedicated the better part of their lives to making sure I turned out ok. And one after one as they leave me, maybe those lessons and experiences didn’t stick as well as I would have hoped. I’m out of resources and I’m finding it shocking that it’s hard to stand on my own two feet without them.
Or maybe I just miss my nani.
