get me the hell out of here

May 20, 2008, 10:01 pm
Filed under: blah

I’ve become so terrible at this, so I’m just not going to apologize for it anymore.

There’s nothing really fun to say anymore, and I feel like just putting little pieces of information about my pretty boring day-to-day, or the the wild shit that happens on weekends is just pointless. For those of you who use this to keep up with me…pick up the fucking phone.



24 Skills Every Gay Man Should Master
April 25, 2008, 3:05 pm
Filed under: righteousness, soapbox

So I’ve found myself cheating on perez with Gawker. I find it to be a more fulfilling read that covers far more media than celeb vag (including print! ho-gawd!). Anyway, I stumbled upon their take on Esquire’s “75 Skills Every Man Should Master” which they turned into “25 Skills Every Woman Should Master”. In reading I found that all of these skills listed can and should apply to us gay men, I mean…obvi.
SO! I give you…

24 Skills Every Woman Gay Man Should Master (I took out the one about make-up, because I don’t know any drag queens…yet)

Chop vegetables like Penelope Cruz.
Onions, peppers, garlic cloves and olive oil: are there truer friends in times of economic woe? (Besides Top Ramen.) Is there any other aspect of a gay man’s work so fundamental to the survival of the species? I dunno, I’m just making excuses, I just think it’s sexy.

Choose a perfume cologne.
Floral scents, what can I say: I hate them. Yes, toilet water is an overpriced luxury good, but considering all the cash we blow on overpriced luxury goods dedicated to appealing to one’s sense of sight and touch, you’d think we wouldn’t be so thoughtless when it comes to the ritual of coughing up a hundred bucks to have that whole other sense covered for the next half year. So go: if I don’t tell you

Tell the truth.
I can’t make it tonight. I have a date. I’m interested in your ex-boyfriend. When you cheated on your husband it really disturbed me. You should maybe look into taking responsibility for your actions. “I would like to put a hit out on your therapist.” It’s not easy.

Withhold information.
Gossip is analogous to bacteria; humankind could not survive without it, but it can be deleterious in an unhealthy context. Get into the habit of withholding a certain amount of pointless amusing information just to keep your immune system in shape.

Take nothing personally.
He didn’t do it to hurt you, and if he did, that’s fucking weird. Humans are self-obsessed, that’s the only reason you think this is about you, when it’s really about something that has left people much smarter than us befuddled for millennia now, so you might as well focus on what you can control, which leads me to…

Take yourself personally.
Your persistent low self-esteem: how did it get that way? Were you awkward growing up? Not quick or witty enough? Just ugly? Once you gained a shred of confidence, did you blow your wad seeking out companions you knew would make you feel inadequate? Why? Think you’re a narcissist? Or just a weak person? Guess what? We’re all different. We’re all completely individual assemblages of genetic traits and collected experiences. We’re all special, which is precisely what makes us so un-special. If you harbor lingering dissatisfaction with yourself, figuring out what it is is a pretty good way to start coming to terms with that.

Assemble furniture.
Ikea would not sell $20 billion worth of furniture every year if putting it together was really that hard. It’s a pain in the ass, sure. Your ancestors got their water from wells.

Get off.
It has never been easier. There are vibrators at CVS. Porn is an ill-advised Google Image Search away. And really, we all need sex. If you masturbate enough, you’ll only seek out casual sex for self-affirmation. And knowing you are doing that will make it a lot easier to handle rejection!

Get hit on politely.
Go ahead and smile, make eye contact; he’s probably not trying to rape you. The sexual charge will defuse over time and in the interim you can maybe make a friend. Dudes bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for flirting in this society, just as we bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for looking pretty. Let’s be sympathetic to one another, how about?

There’s an unlimited number of reasons you should. To do anything about any of that you have to stop crying eventually. You’ll know when.

On second thought, laugh!
God, don’t we feel lame after all that crying? So lame we actually laughed at that Dane Cook bit on the lameness of crying. Anything will make you laugh when you’ve finally gotten sick of crying, but hey, that’s cool, dudes love it when you laugh at your jokes and that heady mix of “no pride” and “no standards” is the essence of funny jokes and good drunken one-night stands. Try to laugh as much as possible.

Know when you truly cannot do something.
And fuck no I am not talking about living heavy objects or figuring out how to use Excel. I’m talking about making as much money as your sorority fraternity friends, or having a child by 35, or marrying your boyfriend, or being anything better than mediocre at something you think is important.

I know, I know; I don’t do them either. But someday we should all learn for ourselves how to abuse the loopholes in the tax code, right? It would make it much

Talk about astrology.
Geminis and Libras get along; Virgos are neurotic; stay away from Scorpio men. It’s what passes for Universal Truths these days, and you know what? It’s not starting any wars. Maybe because astrology understands that people are fundamentally different, and in order to coexist with them peacefully you’ve got to not only try to apply the Golden Rule but try to figure out what motivates them, and how they would like to be treated.

Know why talking about astrology is bullshit.

Praying and loving are good skills to have, too, but if you can’t eat food without experiencing a complex range of guilts and fears and anxieties, you need help.

Be alone.
If you’re bored, you may be on some level boring. Of course, we all are. Why do you want to hang out with your boring friends anyway? There are a lot of unboring people who have dedicated their lives to making books and movies and videogames to keep you happy.

Break up with someone before you cheat on them.

Tell someone you’re mad before you find yourself getting passive-aggressive.

Better yet, ignore the anger.
It will find more useful targets.

It’s not denial if you know you are doing it!

Play the stock market.
The ready access to money represented in the constant trading of the global stock markets is the foundation of our economy. So it’s not, you know, like fucking football. Much evidence points to the idea that women’s relative lack of testosterone give us an advantage when it comes to making money there. We all need moey.

Have a sincere intellectual conversation with a fellow female straight male.
Talk about post-structuralism, not in the context of The Hills. Talk about the war with someone you aren’t trying to fuck.

Call your mom.
And if you don’t have one, or if you’re estranged from her; if it’s complicated or she’s in a mental institution or dead in a car accident, please feel free to call me and remind me what an asshole I am to have the most awesome mom in the universe that I fucking never remember to call.

In other news, I’m pretty content with things. xo

April 14, 2008, 11:44 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

3:59 am

Happy Birthday Me!

(i’ll update soon, probably)

it’s a cold day in hell
March 3, 2008, 4:57 pm
Filed under: righteousness

Today I am the newest member of Boston Sports Club (a gym)

Seriously? Seriously.

I get a pretty good deal through DFCI (no startup fees, $22 off monthly) and it’s right down the street from work and a location in Central Sq.

Matty got a pass through work too, he’s gonna be my gym buddy one night a week! Gloorrious!

I have a good feeling about it – I stuck with it in California and I feel like once get into a schedule with this, maybe even taking a class, I will love it.

 yay! something good!

the b list
February 28, 2008, 12:45 pm
Filed under: boys, BWPC, general bullshit, laufers, the FSB

Long time no blog.

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, it’s that I’ve come into such little time to be bored enough to write – which is both a curse and a blessing.

Happy to report I passed my law final with an 82.7, which I’m fine with…B student all the way. I start my last of 3 terms at Baystate on Monday and I’m getting pretty pumped to be finished. Writing papers has become the bain of my existence but with the start of new classes comes the hope of more apathetic teachers who focus more on testing than writing…we’ll see.

Work is fine, It was pretty crazy with all of our auto transplants coming down the line in Jan/Feb but they’ve all but a few been admitted and/or are outpatient now so the storm is passing. I almost have a complete grasp on all of the facets of the new position, it’s more or less training my mind to retain the details of every case on service at a given moment – which is a skill I’m not so sure I can acquire.

Socially things continue to keep my life constantly teasing the sound barrier. The Montreal crew (sans D woods) went to NYC for a few days to see the Spice Girls and get into trouble. Both vacations we’re equal in terms of the amount of relaxation time I got, but equal in satisfaction as well so I won’t complain.
Thomas has been in and out which has been good, not great, but good. I still look forward to him coming home every time, it’s always a good time.
Niko seems to be flourishing, I’m happy for him.

and the bwpc, well…they’re all still cheats and liars but I keep their company regardless.
Happy Birthday Shelby, btw.

Everything is maintaining a quiet happiness for now, I’m enjoying the company of Brian when he’s around and Jenfo on our wine nights. I miss Tevvy Laufer and the baby but keep a spot for them on the couch when I watch our shows.

Birthday soon, looking forward to topping last years shitmess.

I hope you’re all starting to ideate the perfect gift for my 23rd year, bitches.


you there with the face!
February 27, 2008, 10:32 am
Filed under: blah

1. Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
actually…I do.

2. When was the last time you took a nap?
last night, mid study sesh.

3. Do you only drink bottled water?.
only when there’s vodka in it.

4. What are you listening to right now?
key strokes

5. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my uncle

6. To text you?
John G.

7. To send you a Myspace message?

8. What’s on your mind most today?
Finishing this psych paper, taking my final, and rejoicing that classes are over with a heddy bottle of shiraz and some drunk dialing to a select few.

9. Something that happened today that made you angry?
47 Bus

10. When is your birthday?
April 15th, I’m thinking Jacques/Roxy….suggestions?

11. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Depends on what kind

12. Do you wear makeup?

13. Are you missing someone?
I am

14. Do you think everybody deserves a second chance?
at what?

15. What instant messaging service do you use?
aim/gchat “gangsta chat”

16. Would you date/hook up with your sisters best friend?
heeeeelllllllll no

17. Where are you going on vacation next?
not sure, most likely back to Montreal with the boys if not someplace sooner…

18. What color is your hair?
hah! well…light brown.

19. Where was the last place you hugged someone?
I dunno

20. Who was the last person you talked to in person besides family?
the girl I hate

21. What do you want most right now?
for it to be 10pm

22. What are you doing tonight?
finals/wine/project runway finale

23. Are you happy right now?
little anxious but otherwise sure

24. Is your phone right beside you?
sure is, not letting that bitch out of my sight

25. Are you cold?

26. What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
my birthday, shorts and sandals, sunshine

27. First thing you do when you wake up?
hit the snooze button

28. What does your best friend call you?
asshole, cum dumpster, sean

29. Have you worked out today?
I walked to work, if that counts.

30. Who do you call the most?
Probably Nik, or Thomas…I’m not much of a phone person.

31. What are you watching right now?
me waste time on this survey instead of getting a head start on that paper…

32. Have you ever fought with the opposite sex?

33. Ever dyed your hair?
Yar, it’s been blue, blonde and black

34. Do you cry a lot?
Once in a blue moon

35. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Depends on whose secrets they are…

36. Did you participate in gym class?
I ❤ P.E.
Badminton Championnnn!!!

37. What’s your biggest fear?
Not ever learning to save money…and a giant spider eating me.

38. What did you do today?
walked to work, avoided working

39.What does your last text message in your inbox say?

40. Do you crack your knuckles?

41. Have you ever been in love?

42. Do you believe there’s always room in your heart for your first love?
what a gay question.

43. Have you ever kissed in a pool?
Done more than that…..OHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! babumshhhh!

44. What kind of tattoos do you want/have?
2 ones I love, probably getting another…

45. Do you give special ringtones to certain people?
I once by mistake gave Patrick this “red alert” alarm ringtone that was pretty hilarious before I became annoyed with it.

46. What are you wearing?
shirt and no pannies

47. What will you eat next?
some heddy poon

so I’ll actually write something in this soon…I’m super unmotivated right now.

a message from hillary…
February 6, 2008, 10:24 am
Filed under: righteousness, soapbox

[socks the white house cat]

As I have traveled around the country these past twelve months, what I sensed in my heart has been confirmed – America is embracing its LGBT sons and daughters with an acceptance and understanding as never before. On the campaign trail, a father of a gay son will ask about ending Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. A woman will ask why she can be discriminated against just because of who she is. Sometimes they wait furtively for the crowd to thin and then whisper their confidences in a soft voice and sometimes they stand up proudly at town meetings and want me to share my views on how I will help lead the change to assure that this country fulfills its promise to everyone.

Let me tell you what I have been telling voters across America. I am fully committed to the fair and equal treatment of LGBT Americans. For seven long years, the Bush Administration has tried to divide us – only seeing people who matter to them. It’s been a government of the few, by the few, and for the few. And no community has been more invisible to this administration than the LGBT community.

I will change that. The best evidence of what I will do as President is what I have already done.

* I am proud of my record as First Lady, as a U.S. Senator and as a candidate for President in working toward the fair and equal treatment of LGBT Americans.
* I am proud that as Chair of the Senate Democratic Steering and Outreach Committee in 2006, I worked closely with LBGT community to develop a smart strategy that defeated the Federal Marriage Amendment. I am proud of fighting the FMA as divisive wedge politics at its worst.
* I am proud to be a co-sponsor of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, the Matthew Shepard Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act, and the Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligation Act which would grant the same benefits (including health insurance) to domestic partners of federal employees that are currently offered to employees’ legal spouses.
* I am proud to have authored the Early Treatment for HIV Act, which expands access to vital treatment options for low-income individuals living with HIV, and fought to fully fund the Ryan White CARE Act.
* I am proud that I hired a National Director of LGBT Outreach within a month of announcing my candidacy for President and to have openly gay and lesbian staffers serving at all levels of my campaign.
* I am proud to have a National LGBT Steering Committee of over 130 that includes openly LGBT elected officials, Board members and opinion leaders on issues ranging from transgender rights, to HIV/AIDS, to “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”.
* I am proud to have marched in Gay Pride parades as both First Lady and as Senator and to have spoken in front of so many LGBT audiences ranging from the Human Rights Campaign, Empire State Pride Agenda, the Hetrick Martin Institute, PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), GMHC (Gay Men’s Health Crisis), and the American Foundation for AIDS Research.
* I am proud to have fought Republican efforts to demonize and marginalize the LGBT community, and I will continue to do that as President.

We have so much work to do. When I am President, we will work together to make sure that all Americans in committed relationships have equal benefits and that nothing stands in the way of loving couples who want to adopt children in need. We’re going to expand our federal hate crimes legislation and pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act and assure that they are both fully inclusive of all people. And finally, we will put an end to the failed policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Courage, honor, patriotism and sacrifice – the traits that define our men and women in uniform – have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

My father was a conservative Republican, who held very traditional views for much of his life. Yet in his last years, it was a gay couple who lived next door who provided much of the compassion and comfort he and my mother needed as he grew ill. And it was that same neighbor who held his hand as he died. If my father can move, America can move.

To each and every LGBT American, I say this. You have done so much to help this country understand your lives by simply being open and honest about who you are and living your lives with dignity. Thank you for your courage. It is time that we recognize your hard work. I know that this country is ready for changes in the law that reflect the evolution in our hearts.

America deserves a President who appeals to the best in each of us, not the worst; a President who values and respects all Americans and treats all Americans equally no matter who they are or who they love. I want to be that President. I want to be your President.

Clinton ’08!!!!